moving forward?

i don't know, if i've been moving forward in the past 2 years. i really don't know. sometimes i feel like a totally different person, but then i catch myself thinking i'm still the same girl (with the same old issues, d'oh!). i often feel 'broken', empty. i see others, engaged in their pursuit of happiness, moving on, actually doing something - whereas me, i'm a rock, heavy, unable to move.

sounds a bit depressing, huh? i'm not suicidal or anything, i'm just uncertain of the future (and the present!). i'm scared by many, many things. scared not to find my way, scared to be 100% honest (truth can be destructive; destruction is not necessarily bad, but commonly thought to be so).



the last few nights i was barely sleeping, i wanted to be alone, to retreat; i wanted to have some true privacy, i wanted to be with myself to figure out, what i'm gonna do with this life. i think that maybe i should be(come) a teacher. maybe i could make a backup plan... like 1) going back to uni, studying biology (anthropology)... and 2) studying biology + english/german to become a teacher.

i can see myself as a teacher, but not for kids, more for teenagers and grown ups. i can also see myself as an artist/writer, but i don't wanna have this pressure of 'i have to create something great (= marketable?) in order to get money' which totally freaks me out, especially since i've felt so empty and futile lately. and i can see myself as a registered dietitian because i like reading/learning about nutrition & teaching about health & well-being, however i'd want to take the acknowledged dietitian course in college for becoming a counsellor (science-based, up-to-date, accredited). me as a full-time scientist doing research? i doubt it - but who knows.

i have some more weeks left to figure out my next step. i want to make a good choice, i have to be strong and ambitious (which i used to be!), i want to work hard for this to work. i really do. i also feel that i need to get my life going again better before i can fully commit to a new (love) relationship. i feel closed up and distant, it's not so much about the other person, maybe, but more about myself and getting in touch with my self again.

by the way. the third zeitgeist movie will be out soon:



... moving forward.

fill me up... flow

i've just enjoyed a lovely bowl of banana-strawberry 'porridge' (basically, just bananas blended with berries plus some chopped bananas and berries stirred in, topped with a tiny bit of raw cacao powder) for lunch. life is sweet - it's meant to be. i ate while listening to soothing piano music and looking out the window... still misty november weather in scandinavia. love it.



yesterday evening my mood became quite depressed. i felt so empty. i used to be such a creative, alive and imaginative girl. so talented. passionate. where did all the life within me go? i blame this on the modern education system. well, mostly. i'm still optimistic that i can get my life, passion, imagination, creativity and positivity back. my flow. maybe even enter a new dimension of all that. becoming more. i mean, i have a lot to be grateful for. and i am.

brainstorm: my interests:
~ i love photography (freestyle)
~ i love nature and life sciences
~ i love beauty; i want to glow from within
~ i love nutrition and health; plant abundance
~ i love movement; walking; running; hiking
~ i love reading; being inspired
~ i love learning; education
~ i love freedom; i need to feel free
~ i love colors; painting; drawing; crafting
~ i love minimalism; in balance
~ i love and need music; listening; feeling
~ i love writing; creating; inventing

i'm a very introvert person. have i always been that way? i think not. life changes me.
how can i find my flow? and how do i get my great memory back? it seems to get worse.
that needs to stop. :)

i love browsing amazon.com. i love books. i'd love to write my own books.
i love browsing youtube.com. i love videos. i'd like to make and share my own videos.
same with pictures. and blogs.

to be honest

i had a really bad binge yesterday. it started with lots of fat in my salad and a little bit of cooked food and before i knew what i was doing, i went crazy on sweet stuff. after that i told it to my mother who then was disappointed and mad at me.

she told me that she was very annoyed every time i went for overeating and eating cooked food. she said she does not understand why i do this to myself even though i see that it kills me slowly. i was crying for hours. i felt that she was annoyed by my behaviour, my looks, everything. she thinks i blame her for my failure which is not true.

i was relieved when my father came home. he held me in his arms, which my mother has never done before ever in my life i think, it was always my father. he really wanted to help me. he was loving and supporting, understanding and honest. we talked about everything (when my mother was out of the house).

he told me not to give a shit about the thoughts of others, that looks are not everything, that everybody should live their own life the way they prefer. he told me to do the things in life i really want to, to be true to myself. he said if i wanted to stop studying, i should do it. if i wanted to live into the day, i should go for that option. he said i should live for myself and not for anybody else.

there is more i could tell you, but now i think it is enough. you get the idea.

i will stay away from cooked for the rest of my life, it is no option, it is poison, and i do not deny it any longer. of course there are more harmful options and less harmful options to choose from, but they are all harmful. i do not understand anybody who knows this and still eats the poisonous stuff. my major issue right now is building self-esteem and loving myself.

i am a 100% raw fruitarian from now on. count it. this was the most eye-opening experience i have ever had in my whole life.

day 21 - had some hard days

hello everyone!

it has been a while since my last up-date on here. i actually wanted to make videos, but honestly, i feel too embarassed about my looks right now. i have been reading "Eating Less: Say Goodbye to Overeating by Gillian Riley" lately.

it helps me a lot. i recommend it to everyone who has problems with addictive eating. i realized that i flee myself into 100% 811rv to avoid to cope with my addictive overeating, only to come back once in a while and have a huge binge. this is why i have not lost the excess weight so far. everytime i felt that my clothes are starting to fit better and i felt lighter, i sabotaged my success. the real problem is that i have not changed my relationship to food and my behaviour till now. the problem is not only the type of food i eat when i have a binge - it is mostly the amount of it that is doing me no good.

i am thinking about going to thailand for some time to visit a friend and to take the time to heal myself. be with myself and people who share my views. enjoying the sun and freshly picked tropical fruit. taking it easy for some time and maybe starting yoga.

have a fruity day!

neurodermatitis and overweight

hey guys. no fun today. i weighed myself 2 days ago. although i sweared myself i wouldn't freak out, i did. a little. i have about 20-25lbs to lose. my goal is to lose about 2lbs every 10 days. so, i will try to do my weigh-ins on every 10th day. the first weigh-in will be on the 22nd of july, since i start tomorrow.

according to nutridiary, i need to eat about 1100kcal a day. that seems very little to me, i am used to eat a lot, but it will be ok. i will exercise anyways, and then i can earn some extra food. ^^ which will be fruits, of course.

my dad bought a camcorder for me. i am very happy and grateful for this great present. i love it. i'll post my first video soon. ;)

good news: my mom is on the weight-losing boat, too. this is so great! i love my mother very much. i think she also wants to lose about 20lbs till october. it will be a lot easier and more fun with her support. we can support and motivate each other. this is much better for me than with online buddies. they are great as well, but it's working better for me to have someone i know, someone i can talk to etc.

so, weight-loss and health-gain is big at the moment. besides the excess weight i am carrying around, i also have neurodermitis in my face. it's all itchy and looks + feels awful. my body is definitely getting rid of toxins. however, i must confess that i re-toxed my system today. poor, silly emotional eater, i am. ((tears)) well, my skin will glow, the pounds will melt away, everything will be just fine.

every journey begins with a single step.

insomnia

does not she look cute?

Girl with Fairies

by Dare Digital

i cannot sleep.
this is always a side-effect when i eat crappy food. it is kinda cruel to be unable to fall asleep. you have no energy and feel awful. i would love to enjoy my beauty sleep like the girl in this pic. that would be awesome! besides my less than optimal food choices today (which i do not consider to be food by the way), i drank litres & litres of green tea, and as i am quite sensitive to caffeine, this contributes to my insomnia. i feel like a vampire. vampires are pretty cool.

by Mae Jewell

i get inspired to read a vampire story or even writing my own, when i see pictures like that. i think there lies something very mysterious within these fantasy creatures. don't you think?

i hope you guys sleep well.

carpe noctem.

violet

self-sabotage

hey, guys! i messed up. COMPLETELY. i ate grains, salt, vinegar, spices... i mean, i ate lots of greens with the bread, vegetable spread etc. but i feel like i'm dying. this is serious. i mean, i have been 100% raw for 30 days. this was a success.

why do i sabotage my success? i do not know. really.

i am SO stressed because of the big exam i have tomorrow. i haven't studied enough, i know that. i think, i'll fail. this would be the first time that i fail a test in my whole life! i've always been an a-student and now...

and i binged because i am still love-sick, it just hurts so much to see and feel that he is not in love with me anymore, that he does not really care about me etc.

i knew beforehand that i would feel this way. i knew that i would sabotage myself. i knew that this would hurt myself. but still i did it because this was the only way to forget about everything for just... some minutes. oh, this is not worth it.

frustrated, depressed, but not giving up.
:)
it can only become better and i seriously start a "project"/"challenge"/"journey" next week. hope you'll be there with me and support me a little bit.
;)

violet