tuning in

hey strangers! I am still here, seemingly walking forward, losing goals with every step, yet possibly reaching what needs to be reached with every breath. sometimes I am looking backwards and find what I see resembles the present and probably also the future. without those "ideas" of past, present and future, I feel over-challenged in my day-to-day life, and with those "ideas" I sometimes tend to feel stuck in a net of worrying and wondering. but what's wrong with that? I am getting more and more in touch with what it feels like to have a human existence on this planet, in this time (this time around?).

I want to be honest. sometimes I am thinking about committing suicide (and come on - who doesn't?). it happens sometimes, when I see no point in what I am doing, for example. especially when I am confronted with something I call "society's expectations" and the impossibility of living up to them. ok. so what is that, "society"? is it not just a constructed something lingering in our heads like a (sometimes) unwanted ghost or demon that calls for an acute exorcist intervention? well, or something like that. I am not the best with analogies or metaphors, you see. anyways.

so. what does make me feel better, what has a therapeutic effect on me? well. mostly. it's writing. or creating in some way or form. I have stopped drawing and painting pretty much completely as soon as I entered high school age. I do like translating ancient texts which were written in Latin or Ancient Greek, it's fun. but others have translated all those texts before me, and very likely in a more sophisticated, correct and eloquent way. (well, as I am thinking about it, the books don't need to be ancient; I spotted a copy of the first volume of the Harry Potter series in Berlin in February and it was in Latin, I was so happy. ich hab mich gefreut wie ein apfelstrudel! anyways.)

so. the reason why I actually started writing this blog post: when I move further away from my center, my fictitious place of completely accomplished balance, I get to realize what I actually want that moment. I begin to reflect on a deeper level. pain can be a powerful motor. it can make you do things you wouldn't otherwise consider doing. I can choose to tune in more. tune in. go deeper. tune in. forget forgetting. remember the forgotten. or something like that.

what I am  longing for? more simplicity. minimalism. even purity.
I am craving beauty. I always do. there is beauty in less. there is beauty in awareness.
there is beauty in nature. as in: mountains, rivers, trees, bird sounds, wind,...
In a more "practical" sense this might mean: I'd enjoy daily walks/runs by the Danube, I'd love to relax lying in the sun, I'd love to drink more water again, I'd prefer less. less food, but especially less complex foods, fewer meals a day. and less stress. less stuff. more quality time with my self. and also with my alter ego [♥].
I have never ever found such deep contentedness in everyday tasks like tidying up my room, doing the dishes or preparing a meal. ever.
I realize that I feel a wish to be more consciously connected to my breath. to breathe deeper. to learn the Yogic breath.
I realize that I am a fucking lucky girl, dammit!

when I am grateful... it feels like I am tuning into the frequency I like the most!

namaste and happy easter everyone!

Zufrieden jauchzet groß und klein: Hier bin ich Mensch, hier darf ichs sein!

futile. ♥ radical. ♥ dangerous.

hey. did u know?

life's futile.

makes me smile.

that's neither good,

nor bad,

not even makes me sad,

it's what it is in my head,

just futile,

she says with a smile...

it's out. that was my official outing as a futilitarian.

check out this great definition on FakePope:

'No true sects of this belief exist due to its single tenet (or non-tenet); it believes that everything is futile and even to believe that everything is futile is futility at its best--so to truly grasp the idea you have to un-grasp the idea and not even consider even consideration. Unfortunately, every futilitarian movement has not lasted very long at all due to the basic tenets. In fact it is against futilitarian beliefs to write this paper. Futilitarians don't last long and usually find the futility in eating, sleeping, and doing other things that promote life and often die of malnutrition. There is really nothing else to say, or not say, about Futilitarianism. Also, feck off.'

hahaha. life is fun. so, when everything is meaningless - writing this blog is meaningless, breathing, working etc. so, i suggest that i can choose to make my life as much fun as possible/as much as i feel like it. i guess i'd have even more fun, when others have fun and are happy, too. you know. mirror neurons and all. in fact, i'm a f*cking selfish (f)utilitarian hedonistic bitch. girls just wanna have fun, right? i want others to be happy in order to be surrounded by happy people who then trigger even more happiness within me. *muahahaha* should work pretty well. i'm an empathic being. (hence, vegan.) so, i might as well feel other people's joy, heh? :)

i've just finished reading this great book about RADICAL HONESTY.

i really enjoyed it. nice read.

i can recommend it to everyone and anyone out there.

for telling the truth might be dangerous.

and...

'For believe me: the secret for harvesting from existence the greatest fruitfulness and greatest enjoyment is - to live dangerously.'

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

found a great online source of information on radical constructivism (seems i like anything radical nowadays, huh? well, 'radical' comes from Latin radicalis "of roots" and from Latin radix "root" - better go to the root of the problem and solve it from there? no? although it's futile, you're right, doesn't matter). neuroscience, cognitive science, philosophy, psychology, linguistics, communication, ecology. it's all so very, very interesting IMHO. i'm glad i'll go back to uni again. i'm happy to study. even if it's futile. it doesn't matter. doing something that intrigues me, fascinates me, allows me to forget about my stupid mind/left brain chatter and i can just be.

some music i love these days...