sounds a bit depressing, huh? i'm not suicidal or anything, i'm just uncertain of the future (and the present!). i'm scared by many, many things. scared not to find my way, scared to be 100% honest (truth can be destructive; destruction is not necessarily bad, but commonly thought to be so).
the last few nights i was barely sleeping, i wanted to be alone, to retreat; i wanted to have some true privacy, i wanted to be with myself to figure out, what i'm gonna do with this life. i think that maybe i should be(come) a teacher. maybe i could make a backup plan... like 1) going back to uni, studying biology (anthropology)... and 2) studying biology + english/german to become a teacher.
i can see myself as a teacher, but not for kids, more for teenagers and grown ups. i can also see myself as an artist/writer, but i don't wanna have this pressure of 'i have to create something great (= marketable?) in order to get money' which totally freaks me out, especially since i've felt so empty and futile lately. and i can see myself as a registered dietitian because i like reading/learning about nutrition & teaching about health & well-being, however i'd want to take the acknowledged dietitian course in college for becoming a counsellor (science-based, up-to-date, accredited). me as a full-time scientist doing research? i doubt it - but who knows.
i have some more weeks left to figure out my next step. i want to make a good choice, i have to be strong and ambitious (which i used to be!), i want to work hard for this to work. i really do. i also feel that i need to get my life going again better before i can fully commit to a new (love) relationship. i feel closed up and distant, it's not so much about the other person, maybe, but more about myself and getting in touch with my self again.
by the way. the third zeitgeist movie will be out soon:
... moving forward.
