i'd love to be a teacher.

well, at least sometimes. my motivation would be to make it better than my teachers. fortunately, i had a few teachers who were like mentors and idols in a way and they inspire me. i doubt that i could get along well with children, though. i'd rather give lectures to grown-ups. german lectures anyone? or latin? anything really. i was an a student (hey, sometimes i'm proud of myself!). and yes, this includes maths and physics which is still a shock to myself.

moving forward?

i don't know, if i've been moving forward in the past 2 years. i really don't know. sometimes i feel like a totally different person, but then i catch myself thinking i'm still the same girl (with the same old issues, d'oh!). i often feel 'broken', empty. i see others, engaged in their pursuit of happiness, moving on, actually doing something - whereas me, i'm a rock, heavy, unable to move.

sounds a bit depressing, huh? i'm not suicidal or anything, i'm just uncertain of the future (and the present!). i'm scared by many, many things. scared not to find my way, scared to be 100% honest (truth can be destructive; destruction is not necessarily bad, but commonly thought to be so).



the last few nights i was barely sleeping, i wanted to be alone, to retreat; i wanted to have some true privacy, i wanted to be with myself to figure out, what i'm gonna do with this life. i think that maybe i should be(come) a teacher. maybe i could make a backup plan... like 1) going back to uni, studying biology (anthropology)... and 2) studying biology + english/german to become a teacher.

i can see myself as a teacher, but not for kids, more for teenagers and grown ups. i can also see myself as an artist/writer, but i don't wanna have this pressure of 'i have to create something great (= marketable?) in order to get money' which totally freaks me out, especially since i've felt so empty and futile lately. and i can see myself as a registered dietitian because i like reading/learning about nutrition & teaching about health & well-being, however i'd want to take the acknowledged dietitian course in college for becoming a counsellor (science-based, up-to-date, accredited). me as a full-time scientist doing research? i doubt it - but who knows.

i have some more weeks left to figure out my next step. i want to make a good choice, i have to be strong and ambitious (which i used to be!), i want to work hard for this to work. i really do. i also feel that i need to get my life going again better before i can fully commit to a new (love) relationship. i feel closed up and distant, it's not so much about the other person, maybe, but more about myself and getting in touch with my self again.

by the way. the third zeitgeist movie will be out soon:



... moving forward.

green smoothies

i want to add more greens and nutrient-dense foods into my daily diet. michele from raw natural hygiene talks about the importance of greens in a healthy diet in her latest video.



i ♥ greens.

today's green goodness:

strawberry-romaine

• 300g strawberries
• 1 small head romaine lettuce
• 1 small apple
• 1 banana
• 1 cup of water

blend & enjoy. :)

fill me up... flow

i've just enjoyed a lovely bowl of banana-strawberry 'porridge' (basically, just bananas blended with berries plus some chopped bananas and berries stirred in, topped with a tiny bit of raw cacao powder) for lunch. life is sweet - it's meant to be. i ate while listening to soothing piano music and looking out the window... still misty november weather in scandinavia. love it.



yesterday evening my mood became quite depressed. i felt so empty. i used to be such a creative, alive and imaginative girl. so talented. passionate. where did all the life within me go? i blame this on the modern education system. well, mostly. i'm still optimistic that i can get my life, passion, imagination, creativity and positivity back. my flow. maybe even enter a new dimension of all that. becoming more. i mean, i have a lot to be grateful for. and i am.

brainstorm: my interests:
~ i love photography (freestyle)
~ i love nature and life sciences
~ i love beauty; i want to glow from within
~ i love nutrition and health; plant abundance
~ i love movement; walking; running; hiking
~ i love reading; being inspired
~ i love learning; education
~ i love freedom; i need to feel free
~ i love colors; painting; drawing; crafting
~ i love minimalism; in balance
~ i love and need music; listening; feeling
~ i love writing; creating; inventing

i'm a very introvert person. have i always been that way? i think not. life changes me.
how can i find my flow? and how do i get my great memory back? it seems to get worse.
that needs to stop. :)

i love browsing amazon.com. i love books. i'd love to write my own books.
i love browsing youtube.com. i love videos. i'd like to make and share my own videos.
same with pictures. and blogs.

my fave period movies

chocolat
three wishes for cinderella
the illusionist
dances with wolves
interview with the vampire
the a little princess
miss potter
the prestige
pride and prejudice
the secret garden



titanic
alice in wonderland
a beautiful mind
casanova
the chronicles of narnia
crouching tiger hidden dragon
a knight's tale
ballet shoes
the mists of avalon
the name of the rose
the picture of dorian grey
pleasantville

i absolutely adore this wonderful music...

magical soundtrack, period movies & docu love

i enjoy listening to the harry potter soundtrack. it goes so very well with the mysteriously misty november weather outside. i'm still in sweden; staying with a wonderful human being and learning more about myself and what i want in life in the process. and i've discovered my love for watching documentaries and period movies.




In Noctem

Carry my soul into the night
May the stars guide my way.
I glory in the sight
As darkness takes the day.

Ferte in noctem animam meam
Illustre stelle viam meam.
Aspectu illo glorior
Dum capit nox diem.

Cantate vitae canticum

Sine dolore acte
Dicite eis quos amabam
Numquam obliviscar

Sing a song, a song of life
Made without regret
Tell the ones, the ones I loved
I never will forget
Never will forget.

i love latin, i love harry potter, i love melancholic music. perfect.

and i love 'o fortuna' from carl orff's carmina burana:



and of course, one of my recently watched & approved documentaries:



i realized that most of my favourite movies are period movies. there seems to be be something very fascinating about this genre/style for me.



enjoy. :)

in stockholm!

the poetry, humility and beauty of science ♥

today my evening program consisted of watching these videos i posted below & reading interesting news, articles and blog posts. :)
i really like Neil deGrasse Tyson, a very inspiring personality, he says some very sounds things there. ;)




plus, this book is on my reading list (which is growing longer and longer by the way): The Moral Landscape: How Science Can Determine Human Values. you can read an article about it or rather an interview with the author and neuroscientist Sam Harris here.

quote by Harris i liked:

'Consider the Catholic church. This is an institution that excommunicates women who attempt to become priests, but does not excommunicate priests who rape children. This church is more concerned about stopping contraception than stopping genocide. It is more worried about gay marriage than about nuclear proliferation. When we realise that morality relates to questions of human and animal well-being, we can see that the Catholic church is as confused about morality as it is about cosmology. It is not offering an alternative moral framework; it is offering a false one.

i definitely agree and look very much forward to reading this book.




♥

wonderful speech by inspiring jk rowling

this woman is such a great inspiration for me. watch this speech by her and find out why i love her so much. (plus, the harry potter series are by far my favourite books!)

beautiful swedish autumn

i really enjoy the fresh and colourful autumn days in northern europe. ♥ and i fell in love with apples: they are tasty, come in a huge variety, look pretty and i'm constantly surrounded by beautiful apple trees which just happen to drop loads and loads of bountiful goodness for a spoilt girl like me. it's good that i can save some money eating what nature provides for me now. buying all the food and paying for the hostel is getting pretty costly here in sweden. i love my time here nonetheless.


i'm still very excited about my decision of studying biological anthropology and neuroscience in vienna. i'm daydreaming about it quite frequently which means i haven't been very productive/living in the present much, i'm afraid. i'm currently staying at a swedish youth hostel in the middle of no-where (well, kind of!) and all i do is: reading blogs, forums, articles, watching documentaries, doing some bodyweight exercises, looking out of the window, apple picking (and eating!), going for walks, shopping, chatting with a special person and shopping in/exploring the small town near-by. oh. and i take pictures.

here's a recent pic of myself enjoying some precious and warming rays of sunshine:


speaking of sunshine. i'll order my vitamin d supplement ASAP. i watched this great lecture on the importance of vitamin d by dr holick yesterday and i found it to be quite impressive - i highly recommend to listen to this (very funny) guy! he's got some good things to say, i daresay.

in strängnäs... or in the middle of no-where

sweden ♥

vienna & sweden, here i come!

i'm going to vienna tomorrow morning with my parents. :)
haven't finished packing yet.

<.< >.>

well. there's still some time left tomorrow morning, right? *ahem*

(*last-minute-packing*)

^__^


i ♥ viennA & i'm really looking forward to living & studying there again, once i come back from sweden. i have greAt friends there, too. oh, how much i love those people! it's good that i left for a while, it makes me appreciate them and the city life even more. viennA is a pretty green city which i love.

this music vid by a fave artist of mine seems appropriate...
FALCO. r.i.p.




oh. and sweden.
so. excited.
♥



~ about to go for a walk ~

Wien.
Nur.
Wien.

BB ♥

futile. ♥ radical. ♥ dangerous.

hey. did u know?

life's futile.

makes me smile.

that's neither good,

nor bad,

not even makes me sad,

it's what it is in my head,

just futile,

she says with a smile...

it's out. that was my official outing as a futilitarian.

check out this great definition on FakePope:

'No true sects of this belief exist due to its single tenet (or non-tenet); it believes that everything is futile and even to believe that everything is futile is futility at its best--so to truly grasp the idea you have to un-grasp the idea and not even consider even consideration. Unfortunately, every futilitarian movement has not lasted very long at all due to the basic tenets. In fact it is against futilitarian beliefs to write this paper. Futilitarians don't last long and usually find the futility in eating, sleeping, and doing other things that promote life and often die of malnutrition. There is really nothing else to say, or not say, about Futilitarianism. Also, feck off.'

hahaha. life is fun. so, when everything is meaningless - writing this blog is meaningless, breathing, working etc. so, i suggest that i can choose to make my life as much fun as possible/as much as i feel like it. i guess i'd have even more fun, when others have fun and are happy, too. you know. mirror neurons and all. in fact, i'm a f*cking selfish (f)utilitarian hedonistic bitch. girls just wanna have fun, right? i want others to be happy in order to be surrounded by happy people who then trigger even more happiness within me. *muahahaha* should work pretty well. i'm an empathic being. (hence, vegan.) so, i might as well feel other people's joy, heh? :)

i've just finished reading this great book about RADICAL HONESTY.

i really enjoyed it. nice read.

i can recommend it to everyone and anyone out there.

for telling the truth might be dangerous.

and...

'For believe me: the secret for harvesting from existence the greatest fruitfulness and greatest enjoyment is - to live dangerously.'

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

found a great online source of information on radical constructivism (seems i like anything radical nowadays, huh? well, 'radical' comes from Latin radicalis "of roots" and from Latin radix "root" - better go to the root of the problem and solve it from there? no? although it's futile, you're right, doesn't matter). neuroscience, cognitive science, philosophy, psychology, linguistics, communication, ecology. it's all so very, very interesting IMHO. i'm glad i'll go back to uni again. i'm happy to study. even if it's futile. it doesn't matter. doing something that intrigues me, fascinates me, allows me to forget about my stupid mind/left brain chatter and i can just be.

some music i love these days...

new enthusiasm

about my life! my future! i've finally found some new goals and ideas. i think i've written and ranted on enough about nutrition and diet on this blog now, i'm just tired of it and bored. fortunately, my life isn't all about food and i want to share just random things and thoughts, thoughts and things here on my blog.

i've just realized that the main reason for me to have this blog is to see my own 'evolution'. i like it to look back at older posts and read about the person i was and the challenges i had to face then. i like to just sit down and write about random thoughts and ideas with my random choice of random words.

this blog is here for me. haha. i don't actually have it to inform others about my seemingly (?) boring life, it is one of my tools of personal development, so to speak, it is here because i want it to exist and because i like to create something, even if there is no deeper meaning to it.

well. is there really anything meaningful? i mean objectively meaningful? heck, i'm not even sure if there is really something like reality. or objectivity. anyways. scio me nihil scire. period.

what i wanted to record here - more or less - is that i decided to go back to uni again. this is a bit ironic, but it feels oh so good. making this decision. feels awesome. i'm going to study biology with a focus on anthropology. will finish my bachelor's degree. then i'll study neurobiology/cognition/ethology. i'm going to be a neuroscientist! i'm psyched, i'm stoked, i'm happy. yes, studying science feels really, really good to me.

and it's nothing necessarily nutrition related. i need a break from all that. not saying i won't post anything about nutrition, diet or food ever again on my blog, that would be rather unrealistic. it's just right now, i'm fed up with that topic! haha.

i love this song my one of my fave bands... muse... ♥

ok, guys. this experiment didn't last long. the next one is waiting!

yeah. i think fuhrman is a great guy, his program looks awesome, too. and it definitely works for most people. i'm not going to stick with it, though. well, not to the cooking/recipe part of it. i'll be doing the raw version so to speak.

... which is, basically, 80/10/10 *lol*... it's simply the only diet that makes 100% sense to me and feels 100% good in my body. i think i've found the reason why i didn't lose weight, why my sleep and skin are still bad, why my energy is still low, why my cellulite is worse than ever etc.p.p. it's my thyroid. i'm deficient in iodine. and yes, i'll take supplements!

i'll get my blood checked asap. i'll supplement vitamin b12 and vitamin d, as well. will post more about supplementing soon.

and still ... calorie restriction is needed to result in weight/fat loss. my goal is to get in touch with my own sense of hunger. eat when hungry, stop when satisfied. sounds so easy, but for a former bulimic it seems almost impossible. believe me. this is the toughest, but it's also the most important factor in regaining my health, sanity, beauty, energy.

i think many low fat raw vegans still have disordered eating. they respond to everything with eating more fruit. they may not gain weight as easily as i do, but it's certainly not healthy. i'll have to face my self. my emotions. meditation will help me. i can do this.

i think 1500kcal (maximum) might be appropriate to ensure weight loss. i'll get a iodine supplement asap. i'm having some nori at the moment.

i had a 'mini binge' today (the food feels toxic in my body). it's nothing i want to repeat. i realize this and move on. i'm happy that i did this (very short) experiment, it feels good to 'come back home to the fruit island'. and i'm not saying i won't eat cooked veggies ever again, i probably will (because i like them and they didn't make me feel toxic; the *other stuff* i ate today does). but right now: goal is raw frugivorism.



i'll prefer veggies:
- cucumbers
- tomatoes
- bell peppers
- romaine lettuce
- iceberg lettuce
- oakleaf lettuce

and fruits like:
- melons
- apples
- pears
- citrus fruits
- pineapples
- plums
- nectarines
- berries


maybe throw in some bananas (for green smoothies), avocados and flax seeds here and there. maybe some nori.
maybe some figs, mangoes and persimmons.

- limited dried fruit
- no salt
- limited high sugar fruits (bananas, figs etc.)
- limited amount of fatty foods

peace!

wonderful skinny bitch success story!

i'm so happy for lisa! what a great inspiration for us all. i agree, i couldn't put the book down either when i read it. might read it again, it's definitely a good read!

going vegan is already such an amazing gift to yourself and others. it's good to remember this instead of going crazy about 100% raw or not. being vegan is just awesome and i'm very happy and grateful that i'm vegan (for over 4 years now! yay!).

also, i need to say that *yes* i want to lose weight, but i'm not severely overweight (my BMI is 22 or 23). i do have a few vanity pounds to shed and i know that my overall well-being and level of fitness/health would be raised greatly in doing so. i'd feel more beautiful. i'd fit into some of my fave clothes again. these reasons are slightly shallow maybe, but nonetheless, losing excess weight is important for me personally.

i won't let this turn into an eating disorder again. i'm very aware of my thoughts and behaviour. i might include some non-'ideal' foods (from the view of 811rv) in my diet, but health is still my focus. only health results in true, natural beauty. and honestly, that's my goal. being the most beautiful and charming me. this is what i want.

blissful rays of light and love to you all! luv ya! :*

time to post again, huh?

i kind of re-discovered this blog of mine yesterday and i thought that it was a pity that it was forgotten for such a long time! much has happened since my last post... where to begin?

in february i had a hard time dealing with my bulimia. when i came back from thailand to austria, i felt like an alien coming to a new galaxy. i didn't care much about my old 'ideals' (all ego anyway which doesn't really matter, so... what the heck?!) anymore... i went out with cool people, i kissed food dogmas goodbye (stayed veggie though), i tried to go back to uni again. yes. i tried. didn't work. (i found that out in the beginning of march which changed everything).

so, january and february were all about not giving a damn, partying, shopping, losing weight (well, with not eating much and/or purging it actually worked a bit), meeting people... oh. yeah. and i had a short affair, too. that was interesting! i wanted to do the ABC so bad. wonder what 'ABC' means? it's short for Ana Boot Camp. i actually made friends with ana and mia again - i felt betrayed by 811rv/30BaD. i did it for 3 months and the results were frustrating, and i want to see results, people!

but then i started to feel bad, life was so meaningless, there was no-where to turn to ... especially not inwards, there was simply too much pain and too loud a silence. i checked out 30BaD again... only to receive attention from people who wanted to support me. i was so grateful. people cared about me! and my sanity! and i realized that i couldn't do ABC for the rest of my life. i thought that maybe fruit is the answer. i could see myself sticking to 811rv/30BaD lifestyle. i threw ana and mia out of the window and started the hardcore 30BaD lifeystyle. 100%. no slip-ups. for 6 freaking months!

what did i get? i gained weight. my skin was still not flawless. my mood was still not as stable as it could be. i got a few cavities in my teeth. more cellulite than ever. sleep could still be better. and i really, really followed the plan! i worked out daily - an average of 60min, i stopped using shampoo/soaps etc., i ate mostly big mono meals of fruit, i ate fat very rarely and never got about 10% of my daily calories of fat, kept a food diary (alas, cron-o-meter deleted it for no reason), tried to talk good to myself, relaxed, went to 3 fruity workshops/festivals, i even stopped studying at uni, left vienna and moved back in with my parents to start a distant study course in natural hygiene! what else can i do?!

6 months. no sign that it would become better. where are the results? why am i doing this? isn't this supposed to work and give me the best health ever? i decided to jump off the wagon to see what it feels like. i ate a sandwich (grains, salt, fat - not the best option, but anyways). had some tea. didn't feel as bad as feared. didn't feel much like repeating it either. heck, i love fruit and veggies. i felt a bit toxic afterwards, but not too bad. i could blame my chubby cheeks on the puffyness creating cooked food. went back to eating 811rv.

i fasted for 4 days. that was a nice experience! eating the bananas after the fast was very special, it felt really, really good. ate fruits and greens for a couple of days. didn't feel as good as i hoped. went to buy green tea. felt better after drinking the tea. (: [no. i'm not a 'good hygienist' and i doubt that i will ever be. as doug says, ' the philosophy is always ahead of you'.]

i re-discovered Dr Joel Fuhrman's 'Eat to Live'. i will order and read it asap! i read some of his articles. saw some of his vids on YT. i'll give it a shot. this weight i'm carrying around needs to come off, guys. i don't feel like being 'my self'. i started working out a lot more (which makes me feel better). i incorporated cooked veggie dishes back into my diet. i don't care about any dogma. (back to basics, that's how this blog started *lol*). high fruit, high raw, low cal, no salt, no oil, mostly whole plants. vegan (of course). direction: fruitarianism/frugivorism. guess, i'm considered a frugivore already anyway. i've been eating most of my calories from fruit for over 1 and a half years now.

let's face it: i simply eat too much, yes, too many cals and yes, that means too much fruit. deal with it, 30BaDers. restricting calories is the key to weightloss, i simply didn't want to see that. you need to build a caloric deficit in order to lose fat. easy. simple. true. and restricting calories on 811rv simply doesn't work for me (feel to deprived and binge on junk - well, i guess i could simply eat cooked veggies then instead), i tried it many times. but restricting calories on a cooked vegan (high vegetable) diet, seems to work for me. high volume low-calorie foods, savoury tastes (which i missed on all fruit), different textures, some spices and condiments (won't kill me).

fruit. fruit. fruit. is and will be my favourite. but eating lots of it caused me to gain even more weight (and i wasn't skinny to begin with).

i'll let ya know how it goes!

4 months 100% lfrv

i've been 100% low fat raw vegan or 80/10/10rv or raw frugivore since march 2010 and i'm confident - finally! - that this is truly the lifestyle i wanna live. since going lfrv i gained about 10kg. how can that happen on only fruits and veggies and very little nuts and seeds? well, to be honest, i had serious trouble with my past eating disorder - bulimia.

i was bulimic for years, some times it got better and some times it got worse, but it was always there. from december 2009 till march 2010 i ate an average of 900 calories a day - some days 200 cals, some days 500, some days 1000 - and when i binged (which is totally understandable on a starvation diet) - i would purge, take laxatives and avoid eating for as long as possible.

i was a mess. but i was getting skinnier. that was the goal, right? yes. but the cost was simply too high. i lost my sanity, my dreams, my real friends, the connection to nature and myself. i wasn't really there. i'm very happy and grateful that this phase is over now. i'm here, i'm ready to take my life in my own 2 hands and start living. thriving.

but it takes time, patience, trust in myself. i haven't weighed myself in months because i feared it would trigger my ED habits and i also felt that i gained a lot. today i wanted to know. i stepped onto the scales. shock. 58kg. i'm 1,52m. that makes a BMI of 25,1. which makes me officially overweight now.

at first i freaked out a little. shed some tears. but now i come back to 'myself'. this will pass. a good friend of mine experienced something similar which is helpful for me to stay focused and in a grateful position.

oh, how beautiful and cute is that?!

i love, love, love it!



Au Revoir Simone



Harbouring a love of synthesizers and vintage drum machines, Brooklyn trio Au Revoir Simone made their UK debut with the release of mini album, 'Verses of Comfort, Assurance and Salvation', on Moshi Moshi Records on October 31st. Offering up a generous helping of charm and intelligence, 'Verses...' is a lesson for us all in what expertly layered synths, ethereal, heart felt and heart-rendering vocals, dreamy melodies, and palpitating drum machine-induced disco beats should sound like when properly woven together. Au Revoir Simone started life in the Fall of 2003 when Erika (Forster, keyboards & vocals) and Annie (Hart, keyboards & vocals) first became acquainted on a long train ride home to NYC from a weekend getaway with friends. Along the way they exchanged stories and ambitions, and discovered that they shared a common desire to form an all-keyboard band. When they returned to NY, they started meeting regularly to play music...

radiohead - creep

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so very special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so very special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out the door
She's running out
She run run run run...
run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so very special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

5 days of raw food (:

i decided to go low fat raw vegan, high fruit for the next 5 days. i will eat mostly fruit. i guess i will continue drinking tea though,... (: and maybe i'll add in a little cacao powder.

what will i eat?
- apples
- bananas
- oranges, clementines
- cucumbers
- persimmons
- dates
- berries
- pineapple
- mango

i will eat mostly smoothies and mono. (:
if i find good greens, i'll make green smoothies.
i want to feel clean and vibrant again. (:

:*

psssst!

i would love to call myself a skinny bitch, too. ^^ yes, i was inspired by the book title "skinny bitch". it's a great book - i can only recommend it to everyone! (;

back in vienna, i'm not freaking out about 100% raw vegan... whatever. i just do what i want and like it. ^^ i love fruit though, and i eat a lot of it. i also keep it low calorie and colourful. but i also go out to restaurants or order food. XD

just be in the moment. live. let live. no stress. :D

just be fabulous. be a skinny bitch!



((=