tuning in

hey strangers! I am still here, seemingly walking forward, losing goals with every step, yet possibly reaching what needs to be reached with every breath. sometimes I am looking backwards and find what I see resembles the present and probably also the future. without those "ideas" of past, present and future, I feel over-challenged in my day-to-day life, and with those "ideas" I sometimes tend to feel stuck in a net of worrying and wondering. but what's wrong with that? I am getting more and more in touch with what it feels like to have a human existence on this planet, in this time (this time around?).

I want to be honest. sometimes I am thinking about committing suicide (and come on - who doesn't?). it happens sometimes, when I see no point in what I am doing, for example. especially when I am confronted with something I call "society's expectations" and the impossibility of living up to them. ok. so what is that, "society"? is it not just a constructed something lingering in our heads like a (sometimes) unwanted ghost or demon that calls for an acute exorcist intervention? well, or something like that. I am not the best with analogies or metaphors, you see. anyways.

so. what does make me feel better, what has a therapeutic effect on me? well. mostly. it's writing. or creating in some way or form. I have stopped drawing and painting pretty much completely as soon as I entered high school age. I do like translating ancient texts which were written in Latin or Ancient Greek, it's fun. but others have translated all those texts before me, and very likely in a more sophisticated, correct and eloquent way. (well, as I am thinking about it, the books don't need to be ancient; I spotted a copy of the first volume of the Harry Potter series in Berlin in February and it was in Latin, I was so happy. ich hab mich gefreut wie ein apfelstrudel! anyways.)

so. the reason why I actually started writing this blog post: when I move further away from my center, my fictitious place of completely accomplished balance, I get to realize what I actually want that moment. I begin to reflect on a deeper level. pain can be a powerful motor. it can make you do things you wouldn't otherwise consider doing. I can choose to tune in more. tune in. go deeper. tune in. forget forgetting. remember the forgotten. or something like that.

what I am  longing for? more simplicity. minimalism. even purity.
I am craving beauty. I always do. there is beauty in less. there is beauty in awareness.
there is beauty in nature. as in: mountains, rivers, trees, bird sounds, wind,...
In a more "practical" sense this might mean: I'd enjoy daily walks/runs by the Danube, I'd love to relax lying in the sun, I'd love to drink more water again, I'd prefer less. less food, but especially less complex foods, fewer meals a day. and less stress. less stuff. more quality time with my self. and also with my alter ego [♥].
I have never ever found such deep contentedness in everyday tasks like tidying up my room, doing the dishes or preparing a meal. ever.
I realize that I feel a wish to be more consciously connected to my breath. to breathe deeper. to learn the Yogic breath.
I realize that I am a fucking lucky girl, dammit!

when I am grateful... it feels like I am tuning into the frequency I like the most!

namaste and happy easter everyone!

Zufrieden jauchzet groß und klein: Hier bin ich Mensch, hier darf ichs sein!