to be honest

i had a really bad binge yesterday. it started with lots of fat in my salad and a little bit of cooked food and before i knew what i was doing, i went crazy on sweet stuff. after that i told it to my mother who then was disappointed and mad at me.

she told me that she was very annoyed every time i went for overeating and eating cooked food. she said she does not understand why i do this to myself even though i see that it kills me slowly. i was crying for hours. i felt that she was annoyed by my behaviour, my looks, everything. she thinks i blame her for my failure which is not true.

i was relieved when my father came home. he held me in his arms, which my mother has never done before ever in my life i think, it was always my father. he really wanted to help me. he was loving and supporting, understanding and honest. we talked about everything (when my mother was out of the house).

he told me not to give a shit about the thoughts of others, that looks are not everything, that everybody should live their own life the way they prefer. he told me to do the things in life i really want to, to be true to myself. he said if i wanted to stop studying, i should do it. if i wanted to live into the day, i should go for that option. he said i should live for myself and not for anybody else.

there is more i could tell you, but now i think it is enough. you get the idea.

i will stay away from cooked for the rest of my life, it is no option, it is poison, and i do not deny it any longer. of course there are more harmful options and less harmful options to choose from, but they are all harmful. i do not understand anybody who knows this and still eats the poisonous stuff. my major issue right now is building self-esteem and loving myself.

i am a 100% raw fruitarian from now on. count it. this was the most eye-opening experience i have ever had in my whole life.

fruity, vegan & violet... pics!

pics!

day 21 - had some hard days

hello everyone!

it has been a while since my last up-date on here. i actually wanted to make videos, but honestly, i feel too embarassed about my looks right now. i have been reading "Eating Less: Say Goodbye to Overeating by Gillian Riley" lately.

it helps me a lot. i recommend it to everyone who has problems with addictive eating. i realized that i flee myself into 100% 811rv to avoid to cope with my addictive overeating, only to come back once in a while and have a huge binge. this is why i have not lost the excess weight so far. everytime i felt that my clothes are starting to fit better and i felt lighter, i sabotaged my success. the real problem is that i have not changed my relationship to food and my behaviour till now. the problem is not only the type of food i eat when i have a binge - it is mostly the amount of it that is doing me no good.

i am thinking about going to thailand for some time to visit a friend and to take the time to heal myself. be with myself and people who share my views. enjoying the sun and freshly picked tropical fruit. taking it easy for some time and maybe starting yoga.

have a fruity day!