futile. ♥ radical. ♥ dangerous.

hey. did u know?

life's futile.

makes me smile.

that's neither good,

nor bad,

not even makes me sad,

it's what it is in my head,

just futile,

she says with a smile...

it's out. that was my official outing as a futilitarian.

check out this great definition on FakePope:

'No true sects of this belief exist due to its single tenet (or non-tenet); it believes that everything is futile and even to believe that everything is futile is futility at its best--so to truly grasp the idea you have to un-grasp the idea and not even consider even consideration. Unfortunately, every futilitarian movement has not lasted very long at all due to the basic tenets. In fact it is against futilitarian beliefs to write this paper. Futilitarians don't last long and usually find the futility in eating, sleeping, and doing other things that promote life and often die of malnutrition. There is really nothing else to say, or not say, about Futilitarianism. Also, feck off.'

hahaha. life is fun. so, when everything is meaningless - writing this blog is meaningless, breathing, working etc. so, i suggest that i can choose to make my life as much fun as possible/as much as i feel like it. i guess i'd have even more fun, when others have fun and are happy, too. you know. mirror neurons and all. in fact, i'm a f*cking selfish (f)utilitarian hedonistic bitch. girls just wanna have fun, right? i want others to be happy in order to be surrounded by happy people who then trigger even more happiness within me. *muahahaha* should work pretty well. i'm an empathic being. (hence, vegan.) so, i might as well feel other people's joy, heh? :)

i've just finished reading this great book about RADICAL HONESTY.

i really enjoyed it. nice read.

i can recommend it to everyone and anyone out there.

for telling the truth might be dangerous.

and...

'For believe me: the secret for harvesting from existence the greatest fruitfulness and greatest enjoyment is - to live dangerously.'

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

found a great online source of information on radical constructivism (seems i like anything radical nowadays, huh? well, 'radical' comes from Latin radicalis "of roots" and from Latin radix "root" - better go to the root of the problem and solve it from there? no? although it's futile, you're right, doesn't matter). neuroscience, cognitive science, philosophy, psychology, linguistics, communication, ecology. it's all so very, very interesting IMHO. i'm glad i'll go back to uni again. i'm happy to study. even if it's futile. it doesn't matter. doing something that intrigues me, fascinates me, allows me to forget about my stupid mind/left brain chatter and i can just be.

some music i love these days...

new enthusiasm

about my life! my future! i've finally found some new goals and ideas. i think i've written and ranted on enough about nutrition and diet on this blog now, i'm just tired of it and bored. fortunately, my life isn't all about food and i want to share just random things and thoughts, thoughts and things here on my blog.

i've just realized that the main reason for me to have this blog is to see my own 'evolution'. i like it to look back at older posts and read about the person i was and the challenges i had to face then. i like to just sit down and write about random thoughts and ideas with my random choice of random words.

this blog is here for me. haha. i don't actually have it to inform others about my seemingly (?) boring life, it is one of my tools of personal development, so to speak, it is here because i want it to exist and because i like to create something, even if there is no deeper meaning to it.

well. is there really anything meaningful? i mean objectively meaningful? heck, i'm not even sure if there is really something like reality. or objectivity. anyways. scio me nihil scire. period.

what i wanted to record here - more or less - is that i decided to go back to uni again. this is a bit ironic, but it feels oh so good. making this decision. feels awesome. i'm going to study biology with a focus on anthropology. will finish my bachelor's degree. then i'll study neurobiology/cognition/ethology. i'm going to be a neuroscientist! i'm psyched, i'm stoked, i'm happy. yes, studying science feels really, really good to me.

and it's nothing necessarily nutrition related. i need a break from all that. not saying i won't post anything about nutrition, diet or food ever again on my blog, that would be rather unrealistic. it's just right now, i'm fed up with that topic! haha.

i love this song my one of my fave bands... muse... ♥

ok, guys. this experiment didn't last long. the next one is waiting!

yeah. i think fuhrman is a great guy, his program looks awesome, too. and it definitely works for most people. i'm not going to stick with it, though. well, not to the cooking/recipe part of it. i'll be doing the raw version so to speak.

... which is, basically, 80/10/10 *lol*... it's simply the only diet that makes 100% sense to me and feels 100% good in my body. i think i've found the reason why i didn't lose weight, why my sleep and skin are still bad, why my energy is still low, why my cellulite is worse than ever etc.p.p. it's my thyroid. i'm deficient in iodine. and yes, i'll take supplements!

i'll get my blood checked asap. i'll supplement vitamin b12 and vitamin d, as well. will post more about supplementing soon.

and still ... calorie restriction is needed to result in weight/fat loss. my goal is to get in touch with my own sense of hunger. eat when hungry, stop when satisfied. sounds so easy, but for a former bulimic it seems almost impossible. believe me. this is the toughest, but it's also the most important factor in regaining my health, sanity, beauty, energy.

i think many low fat raw vegans still have disordered eating. they respond to everything with eating more fruit. they may not gain weight as easily as i do, but it's certainly not healthy. i'll have to face my self. my emotions. meditation will help me. i can do this.

i think 1500kcal (maximum) might be appropriate to ensure weight loss. i'll get a iodine supplement asap. i'm having some nori at the moment.

i had a 'mini binge' today (the food feels toxic in my body). it's nothing i want to repeat. i realize this and move on. i'm happy that i did this (very short) experiment, it feels good to 'come back home to the fruit island'. and i'm not saying i won't eat cooked veggies ever again, i probably will (because i like them and they didn't make me feel toxic; the *other stuff* i ate today does). but right now: goal is raw frugivorism.



i'll prefer veggies:
- cucumbers
- tomatoes
- bell peppers
- romaine lettuce
- iceberg lettuce
- oakleaf lettuce

and fruits like:
- melons
- apples
- pears
- citrus fruits
- pineapples
- plums
- nectarines
- berries


maybe throw in some bananas (for green smoothies), avocados and flax seeds here and there. maybe some nori.
maybe some figs, mangoes and persimmons.

- limited dried fruit
- no salt
- limited high sugar fruits (bananas, figs etc.)
- limited amount of fatty foods

peace!

wonderful skinny bitch success story!

i'm so happy for lisa! what a great inspiration for us all. i agree, i couldn't put the book down either when i read it. might read it again, it's definitely a good read!

going vegan is already such an amazing gift to yourself and others. it's good to remember this instead of going crazy about 100% raw or not. being vegan is just awesome and i'm very happy and grateful that i'm vegan (for over 4 years now! yay!).

also, i need to say that *yes* i want to lose weight, but i'm not severely overweight (my BMI is 22 or 23). i do have a few vanity pounds to shed and i know that my overall well-being and level of fitness/health would be raised greatly in doing so. i'd feel more beautiful. i'd fit into some of my fave clothes again. these reasons are slightly shallow maybe, but nonetheless, losing excess weight is important for me personally.

i won't let this turn into an eating disorder again. i'm very aware of my thoughts and behaviour. i might include some non-'ideal' foods (from the view of 811rv) in my diet, but health is still my focus. only health results in true, natural beauty. and honestly, that's my goal. being the most beautiful and charming me. this is what i want.

blissful rays of light and love to you all! luv ya! :*

time to post again, huh?

i kind of re-discovered this blog of mine yesterday and i thought that it was a pity that it was forgotten for such a long time! much has happened since my last post... where to begin?

in february i had a hard time dealing with my bulimia. when i came back from thailand to austria, i felt like an alien coming to a new galaxy. i didn't care much about my old 'ideals' (all ego anyway which doesn't really matter, so... what the heck?!) anymore... i went out with cool people, i kissed food dogmas goodbye (stayed veggie though), i tried to go back to uni again. yes. i tried. didn't work. (i found that out in the beginning of march which changed everything).

so, january and february were all about not giving a damn, partying, shopping, losing weight (well, with not eating much and/or purging it actually worked a bit), meeting people... oh. yeah. and i had a short affair, too. that was interesting! i wanted to do the ABC so bad. wonder what 'ABC' means? it's short for Ana Boot Camp. i actually made friends with ana and mia again - i felt betrayed by 811rv/30BaD. i did it for 3 months and the results were frustrating, and i want to see results, people!

but then i started to feel bad, life was so meaningless, there was no-where to turn to ... especially not inwards, there was simply too much pain and too loud a silence. i checked out 30BaD again... only to receive attention from people who wanted to support me. i was so grateful. people cared about me! and my sanity! and i realized that i couldn't do ABC for the rest of my life. i thought that maybe fruit is the answer. i could see myself sticking to 811rv/30BaD lifestyle. i threw ana and mia out of the window and started the hardcore 30BaD lifeystyle. 100%. no slip-ups. for 6 freaking months!

what did i get? i gained weight. my skin was still not flawless. my mood was still not as stable as it could be. i got a few cavities in my teeth. more cellulite than ever. sleep could still be better. and i really, really followed the plan! i worked out daily - an average of 60min, i stopped using shampoo/soaps etc., i ate mostly big mono meals of fruit, i ate fat very rarely and never got about 10% of my daily calories of fat, kept a food diary (alas, cron-o-meter deleted it for no reason), tried to talk good to myself, relaxed, went to 3 fruity workshops/festivals, i even stopped studying at uni, left vienna and moved back in with my parents to start a distant study course in natural hygiene! what else can i do?!

6 months. no sign that it would become better. where are the results? why am i doing this? isn't this supposed to work and give me the best health ever? i decided to jump off the wagon to see what it feels like. i ate a sandwich (grains, salt, fat - not the best option, but anyways). had some tea. didn't feel as bad as feared. didn't feel much like repeating it either. heck, i love fruit and veggies. i felt a bit toxic afterwards, but not too bad. i could blame my chubby cheeks on the puffyness creating cooked food. went back to eating 811rv.

i fasted for 4 days. that was a nice experience! eating the bananas after the fast was very special, it felt really, really good. ate fruits and greens for a couple of days. didn't feel as good as i hoped. went to buy green tea. felt better after drinking the tea. (: [no. i'm not a 'good hygienist' and i doubt that i will ever be. as doug says, ' the philosophy is always ahead of you'.]

i re-discovered Dr Joel Fuhrman's 'Eat to Live'. i will order and read it asap! i read some of his articles. saw some of his vids on YT. i'll give it a shot. this weight i'm carrying around needs to come off, guys. i don't feel like being 'my self'. i started working out a lot more (which makes me feel better). i incorporated cooked veggie dishes back into my diet. i don't care about any dogma. (back to basics, that's how this blog started *lol*). high fruit, high raw, low cal, no salt, no oil, mostly whole plants. vegan (of course). direction: fruitarianism/frugivorism. guess, i'm considered a frugivore already anyway. i've been eating most of my calories from fruit for over 1 and a half years now.

let's face it: i simply eat too much, yes, too many cals and yes, that means too much fruit. deal with it, 30BaDers. restricting calories is the key to weightloss, i simply didn't want to see that. you need to build a caloric deficit in order to lose fat. easy. simple. true. and restricting calories on 811rv simply doesn't work for me (feel to deprived and binge on junk - well, i guess i could simply eat cooked veggies then instead), i tried it many times. but restricting calories on a cooked vegan (high vegetable) diet, seems to work for me. high volume low-calorie foods, savoury tastes (which i missed on all fruit), different textures, some spices and condiments (won't kill me).

fruit. fruit. fruit. is and will be my favourite. but eating lots of it caused me to gain even more weight (and i wasn't skinny to begin with).

i'll let ya know how it goes!