moving forward?

i don't know, if i've been moving forward in the past 2 years. i really don't know. sometimes i feel like a totally different person, but then i catch myself thinking i'm still the same girl (with the same old issues, d'oh!). i often feel 'broken', empty. i see others, engaged in their pursuit of happiness, moving on, actually doing something - whereas me, i'm a rock, heavy, unable to move.

sounds a bit depressing, huh? i'm not suicidal or anything, i'm just uncertain of the future (and the present!). i'm scared by many, many things. scared not to find my way, scared to be 100% honest (truth can be destructive; destruction is not necessarily bad, but commonly thought to be so).



the last few nights i was barely sleeping, i wanted to be alone, to retreat; i wanted to have some true privacy, i wanted to be with myself to figure out, what i'm gonna do with this life. i think that maybe i should be(come) a teacher. maybe i could make a backup plan... like 1) going back to uni, studying biology (anthropology)... and 2) studying biology + english/german to become a teacher.

i can see myself as a teacher, but not for kids, more for teenagers and grown ups. i can also see myself as an artist/writer, but i don't wanna have this pressure of 'i have to create something great (= marketable?) in order to get money' which totally freaks me out, especially since i've felt so empty and futile lately. and i can see myself as a registered dietitian because i like reading/learning about nutrition & teaching about health & well-being, however i'd want to take the acknowledged dietitian course in college for becoming a counsellor (science-based, up-to-date, accredited). me as a full-time scientist doing research? i doubt it - but who knows.

i have some more weeks left to figure out my next step. i want to make a good choice, i have to be strong and ambitious (which i used to be!), i want to work hard for this to work. i really do. i also feel that i need to get my life going again better before i can fully commit to a new (love) relationship. i feel closed up and distant, it's not so much about the other person, maybe, but more about myself and getting in touch with my self again.

by the way. the third zeitgeist movie will be out soon:



... moving forward.

green smoothies

i want to add more greens and nutrient-dense foods into my daily diet. michele from raw natural hygiene talks about the importance of greens in a healthy diet in her latest video.



i ♥ greens.

today's green goodness:

strawberry-romaine

• 300g strawberries
• 1 small head romaine lettuce
• 1 small apple
• 1 banana
• 1 cup of water

blend & enjoy. :)

fill me up... flow

i've just enjoyed a lovely bowl of banana-strawberry 'porridge' (basically, just bananas blended with berries plus some chopped bananas and berries stirred in, topped with a tiny bit of raw cacao powder) for lunch. life is sweet - it's meant to be. i ate while listening to soothing piano music and looking out the window... still misty november weather in scandinavia. love it.



yesterday evening my mood became quite depressed. i felt so empty. i used to be such a creative, alive and imaginative girl. so talented. passionate. where did all the life within me go? i blame this on the modern education system. well, mostly. i'm still optimistic that i can get my life, passion, imagination, creativity and positivity back. my flow. maybe even enter a new dimension of all that. becoming more. i mean, i have a lot to be grateful for. and i am.

brainstorm: my interests:
~ i love photography (freestyle)
~ i love nature and life sciences
~ i love beauty; i want to glow from within
~ i love nutrition and health; plant abundance
~ i love movement; walking; running; hiking
~ i love reading; being inspired
~ i love learning; education
~ i love freedom; i need to feel free
~ i love colors; painting; drawing; crafting
~ i love minimalism; in balance
~ i love and need music; listening; feeling
~ i love writing; creating; inventing

i'm a very introvert person. have i always been that way? i think not. life changes me.
how can i find my flow? and how do i get my great memory back? it seems to get worse.
that needs to stop. :)

i love browsing amazon.com. i love books. i'd love to write my own books.
i love browsing youtube.com. i love videos. i'd like to make and share my own videos.
same with pictures. and blogs.

my fave period movies

chocolat
three wishes for cinderella
the illusionist
dances with wolves
interview with the vampire
the a little princess
miss potter
the prestige
pride and prejudice
the secret garden



titanic
alice in wonderland
a beautiful mind
casanova
the chronicles of narnia
crouching tiger hidden dragon
a knight's tale
ballet shoes
the mists of avalon
the name of the rose
the picture of dorian grey
pleasantville

i absolutely adore this wonderful music...

magical soundtrack, period movies & docu love

i enjoy listening to the harry potter soundtrack. it goes so very well with the mysteriously misty november weather outside. i'm still in sweden; staying with a wonderful human being and learning more about myself and what i want in life in the process. and i've discovered my love for watching documentaries and period movies.




In Noctem

Carry my soul into the night
May the stars guide my way.
I glory in the sight
As darkness takes the day.

Ferte in noctem animam meam
Illustre stelle viam meam.
Aspectu illo glorior
Dum capit nox diem.

Cantate vitae canticum

Sine dolore acte
Dicite eis quos amabam
Numquam obliviscar

Sing a song, a song of life
Made without regret
Tell the ones, the ones I loved
I never will forget
Never will forget.

i love latin, i love harry potter, i love melancholic music. perfect.

and i love 'o fortuna' from carl orff's carmina burana:



and of course, one of my recently watched & approved documentaries:



i realized that most of my favourite movies are period movies. there seems to be be something very fascinating about this genre/style for me.



enjoy. :)