tuning in

hey strangers! I am still here, seemingly walking forward, losing goals with every step, yet possibly reaching what needs to be reached with every breath. sometimes I am looking backwards and find what I see resembles the present and probably also the future. without those "ideas" of past, present and future, I feel over-challenged in my day-to-day life, and with those "ideas" I sometimes tend to feel stuck in a net of worrying and wondering. but what's wrong with that? I am getting more and more in touch with what it feels like to have a human existence on this planet, in this time (this time around?).

I want to be honest. sometimes I am thinking about committing suicide (and come on - who doesn't?). it happens sometimes, when I see no point in what I am doing, for example. especially when I am confronted with something I call "society's expectations" and the impossibility of living up to them. ok. so what is that, "society"? is it not just a constructed something lingering in our heads like a (sometimes) unwanted ghost or demon that calls for an acute exorcist intervention? well, or something like that. I am not the best with analogies or metaphors, you see. anyways.

so. what does make me feel better, what has a therapeutic effect on me? well. mostly. it's writing. or creating in some way or form. I have stopped drawing and painting pretty much completely as soon as I entered high school age. I do like translating ancient texts which were written in Latin or Ancient Greek, it's fun. but others have translated all those texts before me, and very likely in a more sophisticated, correct and eloquent way. (well, as I am thinking about it, the books don't need to be ancient; I spotted a copy of the first volume of the Harry Potter series in Berlin in February and it was in Latin, I was so happy. ich hab mich gefreut wie ein apfelstrudel! anyways.)

so. the reason why I actually started writing this blog post: when I move further away from my center, my fictitious place of completely accomplished balance, I get to realize what I actually want that moment. I begin to reflect on a deeper level. pain can be a powerful motor. it can make you do things you wouldn't otherwise consider doing. I can choose to tune in more. tune in. go deeper. tune in. forget forgetting. remember the forgotten. or something like that.

what I am  longing for? more simplicity. minimalism. even purity.
I am craving beauty. I always do. there is beauty in less. there is beauty in awareness.
there is beauty in nature. as in: mountains, rivers, trees, bird sounds, wind,...
In a more "practical" sense this might mean: I'd enjoy daily walks/runs by the Danube, I'd love to relax lying in the sun, I'd love to drink more water again, I'd prefer less. less food, but especially less complex foods, fewer meals a day. and less stress. less stuff. more quality time with my self. and also with my alter ego [♥].
I have never ever found such deep contentedness in everyday tasks like tidying up my room, doing the dishes or preparing a meal. ever.
I realize that I feel a wish to be more consciously connected to my breath. to breathe deeper. to learn the Yogic breath.
I realize that I am a fucking lucky girl, dammit!

when I am grateful... it feels like I am tuning into the frequency I like the most!

namaste and happy easter everyone!

Zufrieden jauchzet groß und klein: Hier bin ich Mensch, hier darf ichs sein!

free to be me

... and I thought I was the only one doing this!

I am dancing my way to freedom and self-love!

when I feel the rhythm deep inside

when I let the music surge through my body

when I can't hold it back no longer

when I get this urge to jump to the beat

when I break those chains that held me back for no reason

when I move like I've never moved before

when I get rid of my self-built prison layer after layer

when I don't care what it looks like and just do it

when I am so lost in my state of inner happiness - in my being - that I forget everything around me

then I become more and more ME

then I get more and more FREE

♥

nothing is more fertile than emptiness

you always have to have a background to see a figure

we always know what we mean by contrasts
they must come into being together

you don't have first something and then nothing
or first nothing and then something

this unity is called "dao"

that which is void is precisely form
that which is form is precisely void

in the real world there aren't any things
nor are there any events
it means it is a marvelous system of wiggles

you cannot have the ups without the downs
the same thing is true of all life together
we shouldn't really contrast existence with non-existence

the unconscious is the part of experience which is doing consciousness
just as the space manifests the solid
the background manifests the figure

so it is all inter-connected
and I am part of all this

and for no reason

And
For no reason
I start skipping like a child.

And
For no reason

I turn into a leaf

That is carried so high

I kiss the Sun's mouth

And dissolve.

And
For no reason
A thousand birds
Choose my head for a conference table,
Start passing their
Cups of wine
And their wild songbooks all around.

And

For every reason in existence

I begin to eternally,

To eternally laugh and love!

When I turn into a leaf
And start dancing,
I run to kiss our beautiful Friend

And I dissolve in the Truth

That I Am.

~ Hafiz

you are still the process

you are still the big bäng!

feeling good: some quotes

Several years ago I got myself a copy of Dr. David D. Burns book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy - and I still haven't finished reading it. I usually don't finish books like this. Or other kind of books. Anyways, this post isn't going to be about my apparent inability to finish things, it is going to be about certain strategies to battle lows in our mood. I just opened the book and the first lines that came to my eyes (probably because I marked them) are the following:

Why is their pushy approach doomed to failure? It's a basic law of physics that for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. Any time you feel shoved, whether by someone's hand actually on your chest or by someone trying to boss you around, you will naturally tighten up and resist so as to maintain your equilibrium and balance. You will attempt to exert your self-control and preserve your dignity by refusing to do the thing that you are being pushed to do. The paradox is that you often end up hurting yourself.
It can be very confusing when someone obnoxiously insists you do something that actually would be to your advantage. This puts you in a  "can't win" situation because if you refuse to do what the person tells you, you end up defeating yourself just in order to spite him or her. In contrast, if you do what the person tells you to do, you feel had. Because you gave in to those pushy demands, you get the feeling the individual controlled you, and this robs you of self-respect. No one likes to be coerced.  
[...]
It is an unfortunate fact of human nature that it can be extremely difficult to do something when you sense you are being forced into it.

[Note: This is basic psychology of human beings. Right? And now take a look at the way modern-day society is built. Take a look at the educational system. The working world. It's just a farce. How could it ever possibly function while making us shiny happy people? Others might call me an incurable rebel, but it's basic psychology, folks, it's the law of physics!]

Always make sure to remind yourself that you are doing whatever you are doing not because someone else told you to, but because it was your own decision to agree to do it. It is in your hands to evaluate to what extent the suggested action is helpful or useful to you. 

Then he goes on with his Should Removal Techniques. Oh, yes. Remove the shoulds. You won't regret it. Getting rid of them can be tough though.


Here are some methods  for reducing all those irrational "should" statements you've been hitting yourself with. The first is to ask yourself, "Who says I should? Where is it written that I should?" The point  of this is to make you aware that you are being critical of yourself unnecessarily. Since you are ultimately making your own rules [Note: Hell, yeah!], once you decide that a rule is not useful you can revise it or get rid of it. Suppose you are telling yourself that you should be able to make your spouse happy all the time. If your experience teaches you that this is neither realistic nor helpful, you can rewrite the rule to make it more valid. You might say, "I can make my spouse  happy some of the time, but I certainly can't at all times. Ultimately, happiness is up to him or her. And I'm not perfect any more than he or she is. Therefore, I will not anticipate that what I do will always be appreciated."
In deciding about the usefulness of a particular rule, it can be helpful to ask yourself: "What are the advantages and disadvantages of having that rule for myself?" "How will it help me believe I should always be able to make my spouse happy, and what will the price be for believing this?" [...]
Another simple but effective way to rid yourself of should statements involves substituting other words for "should" [...] The terms "It would be nice if" or "I wish I could" work well, and often sound more realistic and less upsetting. [...]
Another anti-should method involves showing yourself that a should statement doesn't fit reality. For example, when you say, "I shouldn't have done X", you assume (1) it is a fact that you shouldn't have, and (2) it is going to help you to say this. The "reality method" reveals - to your surprise - that the truth is usually just the opposite: (a) In point of fact, you should have done what you did; and (b) it is going to hurt you to say you shouldn't have.
Incredulous? Let me demonstrate. Assume you've been trying to diet and you ate some ice cream. So you have the thought, "I shouldn't have eaten this ice cream". In our dialogue I want you to argue that it's really true that you shouldn't have eaten the ice cream, and I will try to put the lie to your arguments. The following is modeled after an actual conversation, which I hope you find as delightful and helpful as I did:

DAVID: I understand you're on a diet, and you ate some ice cream. I believe you should have eaten the ice cream.

YOU: Oh, no. That's impossible. I shouldn't have eaten it because I'm on a diet. You see, I'm trying to lose weight.

DAVID: Well, I believe you should have eaten the ice cream.

YOU: Burns, are you dense? I shouldn't have because I'm trying to lose weight. That's what I'm trying to tell you. How can I lose weight if I'm eating ice cream?


DAVID: But in point of fact you did eat it.


YOU: Yeah. That's the problem. I shouldn't have done that. Now do you see the light?


DAVID: And apparently you're claiming that  "things should have been different" than they were. But things were the way they were. And things usually are the way they are for a good reason. Why do you think you did what you did? What's the reason you ate the ice cream?


YOU: Well, I was upset and I was nervous and I'm basically a pig.


DAVID: Okay, you were upset and you were nervous. Have you had a pattern in your life of eating when you've been upset and nervous?


YOU: Yeah. Right. I've never had any self-control.


DAVID: So, wouldn't it be natural to expect then that last week when you were nervous you would do what you have habitually done?


YOU: Yeah.


DAVID: So, wouldn't it be sensible therefore to conclude that you should have done that because you had a very long-standing habit of doing it?


YOU: I feel like you're telling me that  I should just keep eating ice cream and end up like a fat pig or something.


DAVID: Most of my clients aren't as difficult as you! At any rate, I'm not telling you to act like a pig, and I'm not recommending you continue this bad habit of eating when you're upset. What I'm saying is that you're giving yourself two problems for the price of one. One is that you did in fact break your diet. If you're going to lose weight, this will slow you down. And the second problem is that you're being hard on yourself about having done that. The second headache you don't need. [Note: And if you decide to never ever go on a diet anymore, you also "don't need the first one". Just saying.]


YOU: So you're saying that because I have a habit of eating when I'm nervous it's predictable that until I learn some methods for changing that habit, I'll continue to do it.


DAVID: I wish I'd said it that well myself!


YOU: Therefore, I should have eaten the ice cream because I haven't changed the habit yet. As long as the habit continues, I will and should keep overeating when I'm nervous. I see what you mean. I feel a whole lot better, Doctor, except for one thing. How can I learn to stop doing this? How can I develop some strategies tor modifying my behavior in a more productive way?


DAVID: You can motivate yourself with a whip or a carrot. When you tell yourself "I should do this" or "I shouldn't do that" all day long, you get bogged down with a shouldy approach to life. And you already know what you end up with - emotional constipation. If you'd rather get things moving instead, I suggest you try to motivate yourself through rewards rather than punishment. You might find that these work more effectively.  

[Well, I don't believe in self-motivation and I also doubt that rewards, like punishments, are the solution. I'd probably advice this client to read "Intuitive Eating", it totally opened my eyes regarding healthy eating habits. And. I also don't like the way pigs are talked about in this conversation! I've, personally, never seen any pigs on a diet who overeat on ice cream because they have a habit of eating too much when they are nervous. Let's be real, man... hmmkay?]

immer vorwärts - kein zurück

Immer vorwärts, Schritt um Schritt,
Es gibt keinen Weg zurück
Und was jetzt ist, wird nie mehr ungeschehn.
Die Zeit läuft uns davon,
was getan ist, ist getan.
Und was jetzt ist, wird nie mehr so geschehn.
Es gibt keinen Weg zurück.

Dein Leben dreht sich nur im Kreis,
so voll von weggeworfner Zeit,
Und deine Träume schiebst du endlos vor dir her.
Du willst noch leben, irgendwann,
Doch wenn nicht heute, wann denn dann?
Denn irgendwann ist auch ein Traum zu lange her.

Ach und könnt' ich doch nur ein einz'ges Mal
die Uhren rückwärts drehen,
Denn wie viel von dem,
was ich heute weiß,
hätt' ich lieber nie gesehn.

Es gibt keinen Weg zurück.

big TOE

Former NASA physicist Tom Campbell talks about his theory of everything - and I rather like it.

Listening to Tom, I am taking some notes:

If you understand the game you are in, you can become a better player. You can act more productively. Consciousness is "the source". There are many different ideas of what that is, or different forms of consciousness. Consciousness is information, it's data, it is the fundamental reality - all stems from there. It is a self-aware, evolving, growing, changing data field. We are part of that strategy of evolution. What part do we play in making that happen? We have a self-aware potential, but we are kind of at the beginning of our journey. We have a system that is aware that it can exist in different states. There are many forms of those two states.

The information system evolves by lowering its entropy. There is no information in randomness, if you want information, you have to reduce the randomness. Patterns give information. In order to evolve more efficiently, "the one whole" can't just interact with itself - that is very limiting. More complexity means more order, more information, higher adaptable. More and more information, more and more complexity leads to lower and lower entropy. "The one whole" breaks into individual pieces, and the pieces get more complex and evolve by themselves, so the whole evolves with them.

What is high entropy? It is a high level of disorder. Low entropy is ordered. Society is constantly torn down by the conflicting power centers into a state of disorder. The natural state of a low entropy consciousness system is love. What we are supposed to be doing really is growing up and becoming love. Lower entropy and love are the same thing. We are exchanging data with each other on our path. We have a physical, virtual, created reality where all this takes place. Here everything is just digital information (ones and zeros) coming from neurons - everything is data, everything is information.

We are consciousness which is processing information, data. We learn how to interpret the data from birth on. Before we learn the act of interpretation as babies, we have no idea how to interpret the data. We are consciousness and we are getting a data stream and we learn how to interpret it. We create this reality the way we want it. We each get our own, individual data stream - but it's a multi-player game and there are interactions between players. Communication is a difficult thing because we interpret data coming from other players according to our own experiences...