one of the best talks I've ever listened to...

REVOLUTION on all levels...

what if

what if I love myself radically
support myself radically
accept myself radically
know myself radically?

and then one day she woke up
and decided it was time
time to let all the fucked up shit go
time to start fresh in so many refreshing ways
time to realize there is only now
now is the only time I know
so I decide to let it go
so I decide to care for myself
like the mother I always longed for,
the sister I never had,
the friend that never lets me down,
the lover who loves me unconditionally
sees me as the most beautiful, smart, proactive me
that I want to be(come)
this is a sign of my be(come)ing IT
the me I feel inside of me trying to break free into the world

 ---

I've realized that the main reason for my depression is that I am surrounded by stuff that weighs me down, all those things promised happiness, but it's all a lie. In order to be truly happy, I am now incorporating lifestyle changes that support me in my me-ness.

I have always been an acive child. God, I love movement. When I don't move, everything gets stagnant, thoughts, feelings, work on projects... and then I hate myself. But I see that now: I need, desperately need and love movement. And I strive for true fitness.

I am willing to dive into self-empowerment on all the levels that need improvement. Not with the goal of perfection, but with the goal of bringing forth my me-ness. Which creates true happiness.

So, I was an active and happy child. Always trying out new sports. New fun activities. I was also a very enthusiastic eater. Fuck diets. Ditch the diet mentality. Embrace food. All the food. Follow your intuition. Nutrition agnosticism. Free fall, break through the wall... of diet imprisonment.

And then, I'm totally vain. I just am. I am an aesthetician. I love all things beauty. Myself included. It's important to me, that I feel and look beautiful. I want my fitness and self-empowered state to show.

So, here we go.
– more activity (especially outdoors, but also #gymlife)
– intuitive eating / fuck it diet / ant diet "riot! don't diet"
– beautify, beautify (and I really don't mean makeup, duh)

cheers

ah, right here

I need my pitta back.

I am a firebird, I am  a child of the dragon, I am born of fire.

I breathe in the smoke and feel the tobacco heal me.

I am not afraid of the dark, I am the fire of the star that shines right through it, cuts right through it, I am sharp, remember? I am Acrimonia, you were Lacrimosa, I wanted you, you pushed me away, I did forgive you in the end.

I am rising from my own ashes, time and time again, I burn it all down, I love the heat and warmth, I radiate it everywhere I look, everywhere I walk, I leave a trail of sunflowers, I am starlight.

I am made of stardust, I breathe in the smoke, I smoke stars, the stars shine through my eyes, I see where I am walking now, I see my path, I made the path a long time ago, no more swimming in dark matter, the fire is right in my center, I lit it, I am it, I am enlightening the darkness to get to my goals.

I am brave, I am strong, I was empty, now I am filled with my fire again. I may be made of earthy flesh, but I am igniting it every day as I awake again. I am an upward spiral, the breath of the dragon, always facing upwards into the sky, as I see my reflection in the face of the stars, the Sun may be masculine, and yet she is my mother, I am her and she is me. The Moon is who I love, I adore her, the Moon, she is my other half, when I fall for her, I get lost in melancholy and Saturn is happy. But I am the light of Venus, I am the strength of Mars, I am all pitta and I am breathing firebreath, I am ready to jump into the unknown, I am ready to own it, feel it, the excitement of becoming me, as I always do in the end, I am Phoenix, I am not lost, I light my path, I am my path, I walk my path, I am right here.

where have I been and where the fuck am I now

I got lost somewhere on the road. The road was bumpy and I crashed time and time again, I slipped and fell and fell hard at that. I got up so many times, I lost count. And now I am somewhere in between and nowhere fully present. I am in a spaceless space without any goal. The goal is to have a goal again. The goal is to go somewhere again. The goal is to be some place I feel myself again.

tuning in

hey strangers! I am still here, seemingly walking forward, losing goals with every step, yet possibly reaching what needs to be reached with every breath. sometimes I am looking backwards and find what I see resembles the present and probably also the future. without those "ideas" of past, present and future, I feel over-challenged in my day-to-day life, and with those "ideas" I sometimes tend to feel stuck in a net of worrying and wondering. but what's wrong with that? I am getting more and more in touch with what it feels like to have a human existence on this planet, in this time (this time around?).

I want to be honest. sometimes I am thinking about committing suicide (and come on - who doesn't?). it happens sometimes, when I see no point in what I am doing, for example. especially when I am confronted with something I call "society's expectations" and the impossibility of living up to them. ok. so what is that, "society"? is it not just a constructed something lingering in our heads like a (sometimes) unwanted ghost or demon that calls for an acute exorcist intervention? well, or something like that. I am not the best with analogies or metaphors, you see. anyways.

so. what does make me feel better, what has a therapeutic effect on me? well. mostly. it's writing. or creating in some way or form. I have stopped drawing and painting pretty much completely as soon as I entered high school age. I do like translating ancient texts which were written in Latin or Ancient Greek, it's fun. but others have translated all those texts before me, and very likely in a more sophisticated, correct and eloquent way. (well, as I am thinking about it, the books don't need to be ancient; I spotted a copy of the first volume of the Harry Potter series in Berlin in February and it was in Latin, I was so happy. ich hab mich gefreut wie ein apfelstrudel! anyways.)

so. the reason why I actually started writing this blog post: when I move further away from my center, my fictitious place of completely accomplished balance, I get to realize what I actually want that moment. I begin to reflect on a deeper level. pain can be a powerful motor. it can make you do things you wouldn't otherwise consider doing. I can choose to tune in more. tune in. go deeper. tune in. forget forgetting. remember the forgotten. or something like that.

what I am  longing for? more simplicity. minimalism. even purity.
I am craving beauty. I always do. there is beauty in less. there is beauty in awareness.
there is beauty in nature. as in: mountains, rivers, trees, bird sounds, wind,...
In a more "practical" sense this might mean: I'd enjoy daily walks/runs by the Danube, I'd love to relax lying in the sun, I'd love to drink more water again, I'd prefer less. less food, but especially less complex foods, fewer meals a day. and less stress. less stuff. more quality time with my self. and also with my alter ego [♥].
I have never ever found such deep contentedness in everyday tasks like tidying up my room, doing the dishes or preparing a meal. ever.
I realize that I feel a wish to be more consciously connected to my breath. to breathe deeper. to learn the Yogic breath.
I realize that I am a fucking lucky girl, dammit!

when I am grateful... it feels like I am tuning into the frequency I like the most!

namaste and happy easter everyone!

Zufrieden jauchzet groß und klein: Hier bin ich Mensch, hier darf ichs sein!

free to be me

... and I thought I was the only one doing this!

I am dancing my way to freedom and self-love!

when I feel the rhythm deep inside

when I let the music surge through my body

when I can't hold it back no longer

when I get this urge to jump to the beat

when I break those chains that held me back for no reason

when I move like I've never moved before

when I get rid of my self-built prison layer after layer

when I don't care what it looks like and just do it

when I am so lost in my state of inner happiness - in my being - that I forget everything around me

then I become more and more ME

then I get more and more FREE

♥

nothing is more fertile than emptiness

you always have to have a background to see a figure

we always know what we mean by contrasts
they must come into being together

you don't have first something and then nothing
or first nothing and then something

this unity is called "dao"

that which is void is precisely form
that which is form is precisely void

in the real world there aren't any things
nor are there any events
it means it is a marvelous system of wiggles

you cannot have the ups without the downs
the same thing is true of all life together
we shouldn't really contrast existence with non-existence

the unconscious is the part of experience which is doing consciousness
just as the space manifests the solid
the background manifests the figure

so it is all inter-connected
and I am part of all this