Why is their pushy approach doomed to failure? It's a basic law of physics that for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. Any time you feel shoved, whether by someone's hand actually on your chest or by someone trying to boss you around, you will naturally tighten up and resist so as to maintain your equilibrium and balance. You will attempt to exert your self-control and preserve your dignity by refusing to do the thing that you are being pushed to do. The paradox is that you often end up hurting yourself.
It can be very confusing when someone obnoxiously insists you do something that actually would be to your advantage. This puts you in a "can't win" situation because if you refuse to do what the person tells you, you end up defeating yourself just in order to spite him or her. In contrast, if you do what the person tells you to do, you feel had. Because you gave in to those pushy demands, you get the feeling the individual controlled you, and this robs you of self-respect. No one likes to be coerced.
[...]
It is an unfortunate fact of human nature that it can be extremely difficult to do something when you sense you are being forced into it.
[Note: This is basic psychology of human beings. Right? And now take a look at the way modern-day society is built. Take a look at the educational system. The working world. It's just a farce. How could it ever possibly function while making us shiny happy people? Others might call me an incurable rebel, but it's basic psychology, folks, it's the law of physics!]
Then he goes on with his Should Removal Techniques. Oh, yes. Remove the shoulds. You won't regret it. Getting rid of them can be tough though.
Here are some methods for reducing all those irrational "should" statements you've been hitting yourself with. The first is to ask yourself, "Who says I should? Where is it written that I should?" The point of this is to make you aware that you are being critical of yourself unnecessarily. Since you are ultimately making your own rules [Note: Hell, yeah!], once you decide that a rule is not useful you can revise it or get rid of it. Suppose you are telling yourself that you should be able to make your spouse happy all the time. If your experience teaches you that this is neither realistic nor helpful, you can rewrite the rule to make it more valid. You might say, "I can make my spouse happy some of the time, but I certainly can't at all times. Ultimately, happiness is up to him or her. And I'm not perfect any more than he or she is. Therefore, I will not anticipate that what I do will always be appreciated."
In deciding about the usefulness of a particular rule, it can be helpful to ask yourself: "What are the advantages and disadvantages of having that rule for myself?" "How will it help me believe I should always be able to make my spouse happy, and what will the price be for believing this?" [...]
Another simple but effective way to rid yourself of should statements involves substituting other words for "should" [...] The terms "It would be nice if" or "I wish I could" work well, and often sound more realistic and less upsetting. [...]
Another anti-should method involves showing yourself that a should statement doesn't fit reality. For example, when you say, "I shouldn't have done X", you assume (1) it is a fact that you shouldn't have, and (2) it is going to help you to say this. The "reality method" reveals - to your surprise - that the truth is usually just the opposite: (a) In point of fact, you should have done what you did; and (b) it is going to hurt you to say you shouldn't have.
Incredulous? Let me demonstrate. Assume you've been trying to diet and you ate some ice cream. So you have the thought, "I shouldn't have eaten this ice cream". In our dialogue I want you to argue that it's really true that you shouldn't have eaten the ice cream, and I will try to put the lie to your arguments. The following is modeled after an actual conversation, which I hope you find as delightful and helpful as I did:
DAVID: I understand you're on a diet, and you ate some ice cream. I believe you should have eaten the ice cream.
YOU: Oh, no. That's impossible. I shouldn't have eaten it because I'm on a diet. You see, I'm trying to lose weight.
DAVID: Well, I believe you should have eaten the ice cream.
YOU: Burns, are you dense? I shouldn't have because I'm trying to lose weight. That's what I'm trying to tell you. How can I lose weight if I'm eating ice cream?
DAVID: But in point of fact you did eat it.
YOU: Yeah. That's the problem. I shouldn't have done that. Now do you see the light?
DAVID: And apparently you're claiming that "things should have been different" than they were. But things were the way they were. And things usually are the way they are for a good reason. Why do you think you did what you did? What's the reason you ate the ice cream?
YOU: Well, I was upset and I was nervous and I'm basically a pig.
DAVID: Okay, you were upset and you were nervous. Have you had a pattern in your life of eating when you've been upset and nervous?
YOU: Yeah. Right. I've never had any self-control.
DAVID: So, wouldn't it be natural to expect then that last week when you were nervous you would do what you have habitually done?
YOU: Yeah.
DAVID: So, wouldn't it be sensible therefore to conclude that you should have done that because you had a very long-standing habit of doing it?
YOU: I feel like you're telling me that I should just keep eating ice cream and end up like a fat pig or something.
DAVID: Most of my clients aren't as difficult as you! At any rate, I'm not telling you to act like a pig, and I'm not recommending you continue this bad habit of eating when you're upset. What I'm saying is that you're giving yourself two problems for the price of one. One is that you did in fact break your diet. If you're going to lose weight, this will slow you down. And the second problem is that you're being hard on yourself about having done that. The second headache you don't need. [Note: And if you decide to never ever go on a diet anymore, you also "don't need the first one". Just saying.]
YOU: So you're saying that because I have a habit of eating when I'm nervous it's predictable that until I learn some methods for changing that habit, I'll continue to do it.
DAVID: I wish I'd said it that well myself!
YOU: Therefore, I should have eaten the ice cream because I haven't changed the habit yet. As long as the habit continues, I will and should keep overeating when I'm nervous. I see what you mean. I feel a whole lot better, Doctor, except for one thing. How can I learn to stop doing this? How can I develop some strategies tor modifying my behavior in a more productive way?
DAVID: You can motivate yourself with a whip or a carrot. When you tell yourself "I should do this" or "I shouldn't do that" all day long, you get bogged down with a shouldy approach to life. And you already know what you end up with - emotional constipation. If you'd rather get things moving instead, I suggest you try to motivate yourself through rewards rather than punishment. You might find that these work more effectively.
[Well, I don't believe in self-motivation and I also doubt that rewards, like punishments, are the solution. I'd probably advice this client to read "Intuitive Eating", it totally opened my eyes regarding healthy eating habits. And. I also don't like the way pigs are talked about in this conversation! I've, personally, never seen any pigs on a diet who overeat on ice cream because they have a habit of eating too much when they are nervous. Let's be real, man... hmmkay?]
